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The Happy Cat: A Fantastical Guide for First-Time Cat Families

The technological advances of the past 20 years haven’t only benefited humans. Our pets have reaped the rewards, too, from cleaner protein to online cat litter subscriptions that can even help monitor your little Cindy Clawford’s health while not having to lug a giant litter bag from the grocery store to your house anymore.

When you realize how much easier it is to take care of a cat than when you last checked in, you’re going to be tempted to head down to the local animal shelter and find a kitty – young or old – to adopt. Before you start adding hundreds of dollars of cat-cessories to your favorite online shopping cart, make sure you know what you’re getting into. And we promise we’re not making any of this up.

Your Cat Will Be Smarter Than You

Did you know that cats are a superior life form? That’s right, they’re smarter than dogs, dolphins, and octopuses. (In fact, a cat could tell you that octopuses is, indeed, the correct plural of octopus, because the word octopus comes from Greek origins, not Latin. Octopi would be the correct plural if – and only if – octopus was a Latin word. )

And, as you’ll find out, your cat is going to be smarter than even you. It’s not just the old saw about how cats were so smart that they convinced humans to take care of them and now they just sit around all day and take one nap after another, although there is that. It’s what you’re going to notice when you speak unkindly – perhaps in the heat of the moment – to your cat because, say, you stepped in litter when you were wearing socks, or you simply can’t understand why Catrick Swayze has to sniff his way around the baseboards every day like it’s his first day in the house.

A scorned cat will have his or her revenge, and the way cats do that is to mess with you. You’ll start noticing missing socks, for example, when you do the laundry. You will think that socks always go randomly missing from the dryer, but you will be wrong – it’s your cat. He is throwing them away, one at a time, to drive you crazy. We can’t say anything else on the subject. They’re watching us. Aren’t you, Mrs. Whiskers?

Cats Love – and Need – Books

You might think that leaving the radio tuned to NPR all day is enough entertainment for your napping cat. While it’s a positive gesture that your cat will appreciate, it won’t be enough to save you if there aren’t good books in the house.

Cookbooks are of no use to cats because you already wait on them hand and foot. Children’s books are only useful to the smallest of kittens, and even then not for long. Coffee table books with lots of pictures offer limited appeal to a bored cat. No, what you need in your house is literature. Science. Advanced chaos theory.

If you don’t believe us, look at it this way: Would you rather your cat scratch up the living room curtains all day, or just make you look bad by reading books you’ll never understand, thereby making you feel stupid? Do the math – and leave the math book somewhere Meowly Cyrus can get at it.

Be Good to Your Cat and You Will Prosper… a Little

Before people brought bamboo trees for luck and financial assistance from the gods, people invited cats into their home. We know you’re going to look at Puma Thurman as something to keep your kids occupied for about 15 whole minutes, and then as something that will create untold work and expense for you for 12 – 18 years.

Treat your cat as a diety, however, and you will (it might be more accurate here to say “may” instead of “will”) be blessed. Not blessed as in beyond your wildest dreams, but well within your dreams. Short of your dreams, even. Heck, you probably won’t even notice the blessings.

So… are you ready to get a cat?

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