I have been depressed for quite some time now.
I didn't realize it was depression until Lauren from Hobo Mama pointed int out in a conversation on Facebook. She thought it was Post Partum depression, and even though the aftermath of our Buddha's birth was traumatic to say the least, in all honesty, this has been going on for way longer.
I began to research depression online and yes, I fit the bill. In every imaginable aspect.
Some of the signs:
- inability to cry
- unable to feel emotions
- thinking about or attempting suicide
- feeling like you might harm yourself, your kids or a family member
|Image: Yuliya Libkina|
Acknowledging this is what made me write the Overwhelm series. You can find lots of useful tips in the series to overcome depression, and to avoid it. But sometimes, self help just isn't enough to overcome your illness.
I have long known that I will not get out of this on my own. This long lasting depression goes deeper than birth trauma, or difficulties adapting to our new family unit, or even the different trauma's I went through the past couple of years. This depression taps into much deeper hurts? Things I have tucked away and repressed. Things I need to deal with in order to heal.
My aversion to myself and the sheer distance between me and any other human being - both physical and emotional - makes it impossible to have a healing conversation, to allow myself to have an emotional outpour.
So I started searching for a therapist or councilor, but it seems impossible in the situation I am in, so for me, I guess i have to drag this burden along a little further.
As a parent, depression takes a toll on the family is extra hard to bare, as you are responsible for your children. This knowledge can drag you down further and entail guilt.
- am I hurting my children?
- what kind of example am I setting
- I'm stealing my children's youth
- I'm bothering my children, they would be better off without me...
I wanted to write this post for others who might recognize themselves in these writings.
|Image: Yuliya Libkina|
- If you feel stuck and all of the things I have suggested in the Overwhelm series aren't enough to get you out of this, please, find someone you can trust and confide in. This can be a coach, a councilor or a therapist, or even a friend or family member, if you are confident enough to confide all to someone you know.
- If you need instant, profound healing, you might want to jumpstart your healing with a retreat, there are many different retreats out there, in all budget ranges.
- Start a journal, where you can let your feelings pour out. I will write another article on journalling later on.
- Make sure you have a support system in place where you can turn to whenever you need it. The most important thing is that you and your family are safe, so if you feel like it's too much, call on someone to take your kids. Don't worry about 'imposing' or being inconvenient. Your health and safety should always be the top priority