Written by Liza Cumming
We all want what is best for our children, we want them to grow up to be
happy, strong, independent people who look back with fondness on their
childhood. However, sometimes we loose our way as parents and in an effort
to give our kids everything, give them a lot of things they don't need and
nothing they really want. So perhaps we need to stop and think, if I were
them, what would I prefer?
When Finn started showing an interest in toys and other things around him,
I rushed to the shops, where a range of marketing campaigns told me all
the things that he would need. I bought him toy hammers, steering wheels,
fish, books, rattles and cars. I wanted to see his face light up and see
him playing happily for hours like the boys on the boxes. So what were his
favourites? The TV remote that he saw mummy and daddy using, the wooden
spoon that made loud banging noises and mummy used for cooking and the
boxes that the fancy toys came in.
So did society get it wrong? Or did
they never really care, they just wanted us to spend our money. Don't get
me wrong, some toys are great but do they need everything in store? No.
Then there are all the things we are told we need for raising happy children that we just don't need at all. Prams that cost more than some
cars, matching furniture sets, baby monitors.
So you have to ask yourself.
If I were a tiny baby would I care which brand of pram I rode around in?
Or would I in fact prefer not to be in a pram at all but rather to be in
my mother's (or father's) arms. (Read about how the baby carrier replaced
the pram in our house here). Would I want my own room with a theme and
matching furniture and a machine for my parents to see me without coming
in or would I want to share with mum and dad?
The choices we make about what to buy can have a big impact on our kids.
The decision might be to buy "the best" pram and the latest toys and do an
extension on the house to allow each family member to have their own room
but to pay for all these things by mum cutting her maternity leave short
and dad staying back at the office. If I was the child, I would prefer my
mum and dad's time over most things.
For small babies, going to sleep and staying asleep can be challenging. So
what does Western culture teach us to do? Teach them to "self settle" so
that they can learn to be independent sleepers. Well I ask you, if you had
just spent the last nine months being lulled to sleep in a warm cocoon,
listening to mummy's heartbeat and voice, how would you like to learn to
fall asleep? If it were me I know what I would choose between a nice long
cuddle and drink of milk while I played with mum's hair and listened to
her voice, and crying until I gave up and went to sleep alone.
Of course it is not just about what the child wants but also what is best
in the long run. We want them to be independent and we don't want them to
be spoiled.
Let's look at the issue of independence. At odds with
most other cultures, from the moment our babies are born we want them to
start being "Independent". Sure independence has it's advantages when you
are 40 and don't need your mum to show you how a washing machine works but
as a baby?
Babies are as nature intended them, extremely vulnerable,
immobile and entirely dependent. So what is the advantage in making them
independent? (If that were even possible). Is nurturing and looking after
our babies by allowing them to be dependent actually stopping them learn
independence? I don't think so. In fact I think it is quite the reverse.
If Finn can see his mum or dad nearby, he is braver, more investigative
and more inclined to go off on his own in pursuit of adventure.
We
borrowed a Noah's arc boat from the toy library that makes rather alarming
animal noises and when Finn sat down to play with it by himself he was
petrified and needed to be held. Revisiting it with his dad sitting beside
him he sat happily pulling animals out and investigating them.
As parents
we are there to scaffold our child's learning, comfort them and rock them
to sleep because it is in our arms that they feel safe and secure enough
to find their own independence and confidence. Finn is constantly "babied"
by being fed and rocked to sleep and sleeping in his parents bed, it didn't stop him
deciding to crawl at five months or refusing to be spoon fed and learning
to eat by himself at six months.
As for children being "spoilt" by too much attention, do you honestly
think showering your baby with love and attention and comforting them when
they feel scared will ruin them and turn them into little brats? Surely
ignoring them when they cry and making them feel scared and alone would be
more likely to do that.
Anyway, with all this focus on learning independence, do you ever stop and
think that adults are never really fully independent either. We build
communities, cohabit with our families and sleep cuddled up to our
spouses. We are pack animals, this is how we feel safe and this is how we
flourish.
About the author
Liza Cumming, mum to 9-month-old Finn, has a Degree in Psychology and a
Post Graduate Degree in Primary Teaching. She writes baby and food blog,
Pramsandwich, where she
shares her parenting thoughts, stories, recipes, cafe finds and love
letters.

There can be only one answer! Why do we keep on getting it wrong?
ReplyDeleteThis is the essence of parenting, making choices through the eyes of empathy. Expensive playthings and luxurious surroundings mean very little when, as you so clearly pointed out, little ones want the closeness of their loved ones.
ReplyDeleteI interviewed a woman who has taken these considerations a few steps farther. No toys for her child at all. Maybe it isn't really remarkable after all, but other children might actually envy his situation.
http://lauragraceweldon.com/2012/02/20/the-boy-with-no-toys/
Yes it is strange how backward our society can be in some ways. Interesting article, I bet he will grow up to be very creative, making play things from everyday material. Sounds like a great childhood! Thanks for sharing the link.
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