After having published my daughters birth story at her second birthday, a reader commented on Authentic Parenting's Facebook page that it was rather odd that I had an induction with AROM at a hospital. Even though that remark dates from almost a year ago, I think it would be a good thing to respond.
First of all, I haven't always been where I am right now. Parenting, to me, is pretty much a journey of self reflection and change. And inevitable on that journey, I have made mistakes, and have had to try again. That's precisely the reason why I call my daughter the trial and error child.
I have met inspiring people online who have changed my path, I have come to life-altering conclusions and I have read things that overthrew everything I believed before, like the idea of unschooling.
I am pretty much an entirely different person than who I was before I got pregnant. But of course the grain was there already.
I always wanted a natural birth for my daughter. Although at that time a homebirth was a bridge too far, I was thinking birth center. I never liked hospitals anyway and the image I had in my mind of a cold, steel and electronics filled room didn't suit me.
Being expats, we had no home of our own at the time of our daughters birth (we came to stay with our parents in Belgium when it was time to birth), so homebirth wasn't in my realm of options anyway (that I could think of). So my husband bullied me into having a hospital birth at the hospital where his mom works because it was 'so much easier'. I think it was mainly easier on his mind. This ended up in me having an induction and having the stranded beetle.
This is painful and frustrating for me because I know all too much that I will never get to birth my daughter again.
|Image: Lars Plougman|
Yes I did feel powerful after having birthed my child, and I loved her at once and I wanted to do it over and over again, despite all the things that didn't go my way... But the problem is that they shouldn't have gone that way. There were options.
I feel like I was this sheep being brought to the sacrifice beam...
And nobody stands up for me...
I told my husband everything I didn't want. Over and over again. Even before I was pregnant, but he says he was overwhelmed. He never reacted.
I took all this because I wasn't informed enough, I wasn't strong enough, I couldn't stand up for myself and I didn't have anyone to back me up. I seriously suffered from the good patient syndrome and I certainly liked the attention of a 'high risk' pregnancy. I know I am only partly to blame, and I have to forgive myself for it.
If anything, having gone through the process myself makes me understand that it is useless to judge people for making poor choices. There are so many things in play that sometimes bad choices are inevitable, especially when (you trick yourself into thinking you) have no choice at all.
I wished we lived in a world where we got the right guidance, where our options were clear and we were handed the tools to make those choices... so far, we are not there yet.