Google+ Authentic Parenting: Take It Lying Down

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Take It Lying Down

I am thought to be a very opinionated person. A rock upon which one can lean. A strong person.
And though I am a great many things, I am not the latter. I am not strong, or at least not all the time. I can be strong, and I can put up a fight for my friends, I would literally walk through fire for a lot of people, but when it hits closer to home, I lay down and allow myself to get screwed over.


I did it when I gave birth to my daughter, and all through my pregnancy. I do it when people are rough with my dog. I do it when other mothers are get authoritarian with my child and I even did it in relationships.

Why?

How can such a strong, dependable, opinionated women be so easily conditioned to just swallow it, to take it lying down - and not only as a figure of speech? Why do I just let it all run over me and - yes, feel like shit - but don't do anything about it?
Why do I feel like someone needs to come and rescue me? Like I'd better keep my thoughts to myself. Like anything I have to say doesn't matter. That's I 'd better keep my mouth shut, keep the peace, go with the flow, be guided. Even if Every. Single. Bone. In My Body tells me its wrong. Even if I am screaming "No" in my mind. Even if I'm feeling raped and totally screwed over. Why do I not respond?
Why do I want to 'keep the peace' at the cost of my own sanity?
Why do I rather deal with the shame, the guilt the frustration afterward, instead of just stand up for myself, for my family.
Why doesn't my husband fucking stand up for me and my family when these situations occur, knowing that I am paralyzed?

What cause this shift from fierce cougar woman to meek lamb off to the slaughter house?

Is it the fact that I got locked in a room with no food for the mere reason of speaking my mind when I was younger?
Is it because I was raised with the idea that a woman is worth very little?
Is it because I was beaten every time I didn't agree or wasn't servile?
Is it because I am conditioned to please?

And what the fuck can I do to change this?


Image: Stephan Uhlman


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6 comments:

  1. awwwww... I know how you feel. Your going through a process. I can say so much, I just don't know enough about your situation. Your owning it, and thats a start. You are strong, and just because this is a challenge for you does not mean you are weak. We ALLLLLL have challenges. Some people are just not open to even acknowledging their weakness' and therefore, stay in blame, justification and manipulation their entire lives. Some, only wake up when they are 50years old. YOU are an amazing woman, with so much wisdom and insight. What you give is profound. HENCE, just because you have these challenegs, does not mean you are not strong or amazing. It is a gift that you are waking up at such a young age. Your daughter is extremely lucky to have you.

    As for you husband. Well, I can only say what I had to do with mine. My inlaws have done some horrible things to me and my husband did not stand up for me. I ended up loosing myself, and lost my temper, which put me through so much shame. We ened up in therapy, and the advise was CLEAR CUT. He MUST stand up for me. The reason his family keep doing this is because they know he lets it happen. He wouldn't do it the way I needed him to, so I LEFT. BUT, he was fighting to come back and now is WILLING to do whatever it takes. My lesson in this is to not settle for any less than I deserve. Thats why I became so bitter. And my husband has had to learn some real assertive, confrontaion skills. We are on track now, and I am glad this mess happened, because there is no way he will ever let them hurt me again.

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  2. It's funny, I haven't had any of those horrible things happen to me, and I, like you am considered a strong, opinionated woman, but I also get paralyzed in those situations. I don't know why it happens. I wish I did. I think the bottom line is that I'd rather people liked me, and I'm afraid they won't. But why do I care if people like me? Especially if I don't like them? It's perplexing! My husband is on the opposite end, though. He stands up for me so much that it's almost embarassing sometimes. But, I wouldn't trade it.

    Thanks for sharing!
    Here from SITS
    Andye

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  3. I am pretty much like Andye, didnt have a terrible childhood, some verbal and emotional abuse, but nothing as bad as what it seems you must have endured. I am very sorry that you had to go through that! But I am extremely opinionated, seen as strong, but actually very weak and often walked all over. I did it with my pregnancy, and have a lot of guilt about that now, but all we can do is go forward and do the best we can. May peace find us both.

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  4. We all have vulnerabilities. You're taking the first step by asking what you can do. You are indeed stronger than you think.

    Visiting from SITS

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  5. MOst children are taught that everyone else's opinion is more important then their own. - - Today I was at a group for toddlers one child was playing with toys and another child crawled towards them. The first child cried and said 'My toys' Picked them up and moved (note the other child hasn't even touched them). The mother then said to the first child "It is nice to share. You have to share the toys or they'll be taken away and you won't have any." the lecture went on a bit longer - but in the end the poor child cried and handed over the toys - and no longer played with the one she had left. It wasn't fun and she was humiliated.

    A person can be raised by well meaning parents without abuse and still the message is typically clear - make everyone else happy at the expense of your own happiness - or else we'll make you really miserable.

    A person healing from abuse needs to be most concerned with repeating the cycle. If you have managed to break the cycle then you are not lying down. There are so many times when I have reached the line and come so close to crossing it. So many times when my words echoed ones that I heard growing up.

    Even when I don't stand up for myself or my family as well as I wish - at least I sooth them and take them down a path far different then the one that I was forced to take. Thoguh that being said - I am very happy to report that depsite continually biting my tongie I did tell my FIL off the other day for telling my giggling daughter that she was always a bad girl - I let her know she was never a bad girl and I let her grampy know he shouldn't say that to her again.

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  6. Thanks everyone for your wonderful responses.

    Chaos, that's a great insight. I hadn't come to that. Now I think of it it is so true that many parents just teach their kids to just roll over and accept defeat. Thanks a lot for this comment.

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