I have a confession to make. It is something I am not proud of, so if you want to get out your rotten eggs and tomatoes, go ahead, I'll just hide behind my screen here, in utter shame.
I have serious baby envy.
It's even harder when it's not an attached parent that had a baby or got pregnant. When they announce proudly that they're not going to breastfeed, or they're already planning day care for when the baby is three months old, as soon as they have a positive pregnancy test... I really get angry, desperate, frustrated, confused...
I feel like my intestines get ripped out through my throat and are tied around my neck. All I can do is smile and say "How lovely for you", but all I really want to do is cry... Or hit something... Or kill them and snatch their baby. Ok, maybe not that last one... just yet.
My husband asked me this week why we're being punished. That it seems so totally unfair that downright abusive parents get a baby in the blink of an eye and we have to moan and sweat (lol) to get one.
I told him he cannot think such a thing because he's an atheist - which kind of leaves you with noone to blame. Nor does it give you happy positive thoughts. Being religion-free can suck sometimes.
It makes me wonder why... Why do they have it so easy to conceive, and we just have to wait and wait?
We have wanted a second baby for one year and three and a half months - not that I'm counting. I had some kick-ass breastfeeding hormones that made my periods stay out for 20 months, and I suspect my first two periods to have been false.
But ever since there's the waiting and anticipating and the hope... to only get shattered as I bleed.
On top of all that, I've got this freakishly long cycle, between 35 and 40 days, which make the odds even smaller. (And have led to the wonderful comment "Oh, then you have even less chances of getting pregnant any given year" - thank you, that was just what I needed).
And just so the circle is round, I feel guilty. Guilty because Iknow in time there will be a baby. we've made one, we'll have another, we just have to wait. So I feel guilty that I feel like this while there are people who know that having their won baby is not even a possibility.
But doesn't it seem just a little unfair that women who don't breastfeed, or stop really early on can conceive earlier?